While watching Beowulf recently, it struck me how like Hrothgar I am. He’s old. He’s fat. He’s living off the glory of his youthful exploits, but has lost his power. He needs to defeat the troll ravaging his people but just can’t do it.
During a conversation between Alice and the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland, he compared the current Alice to he previous visit. “You were much… mucher,” he said. “You’ve lost your muchness.”
I realized that I had lived out one of my greatest fears. I had become one of Thoreau’s mass of men leading lives of quiet desperation. (I whine a lot so I’m not too quiet.) I thought I would never become this.
I feel like I abdicated my power somewhere along the way. Did I do that by not pursuing a solid career path? Did I do it by chasing my writing in such a half-assed manner? Or did I just fail to keep my sword sharp?
After updating a friend about an interview that didn’t result in a job, he told me that he knew that I have tenacity. Do I? I once did but I’m not so sure anymore.
Can I be tenacious again? Can I regain my muchness?
There is a scene in The Last Airbender with a group of earthbenders who are content to be in prison. Ang, the main character, chides them, “There is earth all around you! Under your feet!” They have the means to fight back, to create change, yet they needed someone to remind them.
Do I have what it takes to change? To find out, I just need to latch onto my muchness. If I can find it.