Carpe Aeternum

Finding the Eternal in the Every Day

Brad Bellmore Gets a Life

I was out to breakfast with a friend of mine who said, “I mean, I just turned forty. I just want to live. You know, to be alive.” That struck me. Back in college I had friend that always greeted me with, ”Are you livin’ life?” The sad part is that I have had seasons when I have lived life but for the most part I have failed at it. I have ridden the winds like a leaf, floating wherever I was carried.
My career path hasn’t really been a path but more of a meandering. Mostly again, taking the next appealing thing or at times the least unappealing thing that paid me. I have never done a job that I loved. There have always been aspects that I loved, but not the job. This became painfully clear in the midst of my unemployment. I had no direction. I had no purpose. I needed a focus and the determination to follow that purpose.
You see, I had dreams. I was going to be a writer. A famous, rich, acclaimed writer. I have written but the dream has never been realized. The largest portion of that failure is my fault. Lack of consistent production of writing. Not being deliberate about pursuing publication.
And I think that is the biggest thing of it all. I have larger failed to be deliberate. My life has been lived like a rover that never really roved. I haven’t wandered the world to learn the mysteries or find the adventures. I have larger just been. Unfortunately that isn’t even in the good sense of being like a Buddhist might inspire me to pursue. This is not a good being because I haven’t even found the living of being in simplicity and finding myself. In fact I probably have done more losing of myself than anything.
So now, before I get too much older, I am trying to be deliberate about living. Perhaps this is my midlife crisis. Perhaps this is my coming awake. Perhaps this is me finally living a story worth telling.
Perhaps it is only the flavor of the month. I’m hoping that it’s not. I’m hoping it is the beginning of something long lasting. I’m hoping that I am finally getting a life.

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