Carpe Aeternum

Finding the Eternal in the Every Day

Brad Bellmore Gets a Life – 3

As I’ve written here before, I once was known for being resilient, tenacious and persevering. Somewhere along the way, that ceased to be true. I’ve given up and grown old – just like in the Weezer song. How did I get here?
I’m not really sure. I know there have been some small decisions along the way that I’m aware. Perhaps there are hundreds of them. To my recollection, there was no big decision to become like this. I always enjoyed being alive. I always longed for the fuller, richer life experiences. Just somewhere along the way I quit embracing the discomfort and hard work associated with those.
I didn’t get lazy as much as complacent. The cost of doing something exciting or adventurous didn’t appeal any more. I knew that on the other side, the payoff would be worth it. I just didn’t want to change what I was doing to accommodate it. I wanted what I had more than the new experience.
As that happened, I forgot how to fight, how to struggle for what I want. I got in the rut and stayed there because it didn’t seem worth the effort to climb out. And now that I have travelled a long way in the rut, I am trying to figure out how I got where I am. The truth is, where else would I be if I refused to deliberately change course?
So, I begin the scramble. I am climbing out of my rut. I’ve been trying to for over a year now and have yet to succeed. That’s not completely true. I haven’t succeeded in escaping my rut, but I discovered the joy of the struggle again – at least a little bit. Even simple little choices like engaging in aerobic exercise and seeing the workout through to the end have invigorated parts of me that have lay dormant for far too long. I am discovering how to persevere again, even if only on a small scale. The hardness of changing my life starts to appeal to me. It in itself is an adventure. And I’m beginning to crave it. I will somehow get a life.
And as the line states at the end of the most recent film of Peter Pan “To live would be an awfully big adventure.”

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